I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
You Might Also Like
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040