@Steelers1972: I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.
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@ProdigyNelson: [date] Her: "Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I'm a sagittarius, what are you?" Me: *halfway out the door* "Educated."
@mandysparklerxo: I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won't be renewing my lease.
@junejuly12: The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues. Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.