Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
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I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Covid like
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
My new favorite headline
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I don’t think my car can fly
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…