A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
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If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here