@TheCamelToe_: I swapped my wife's tampons with party poppers. Absolutely no sense of humour that girl..
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@AnkCoupleTO: [coming out of coma] Doc: You survived the heart attack Me: I'm going to eat right & get fit D: *shows me hospital bill* M: *pulls plug*
@LeBearGirdle: *Paranormal Factivity* [I walk into my bathroom] "OH MY GOD" ['WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS' is written in blood on the mirror]
@TwinSurvivalist: If you made her sweat, sweat till she can't sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
@DoubtTommy: how much morning wood, would my girlfriend suck, if she ever sucked and if I had a girlfriend. Whatever.