I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
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It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.