I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
You Might Also Like
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
mmm onion ringos
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.