Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
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Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Favourite diary entry ever
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks