do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
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Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”