Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
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Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
#merica
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Terribly Tuesday.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Well, that didn’t work.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
how much for the angry fruit?
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]