I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
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I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.