I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
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1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
181.