I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
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My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Me :
All Day At Night
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Lucky old June.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.