Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
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Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph