Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
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“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t