I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Education is vital
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”