@kjmeow: I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
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@1Bad_Scientist: Me: how was your date? Friend: I ruined her panties. M: Wow that's hot man. F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
@Black__Elvis: WARNING: KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN- DO NOT STAND TOO CLOSE TO THEM, THEY ARE GROSS AND WILL ASK YOU FOR STUFF
@beliz69: Today, I asked my husband if he would still love me if I was ugly and fat. He answered, "Yes, honey I do."
@LuckyToken1: Five second rule? Pfft. What's the point of having an immune system if you're not going to use it?