may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
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When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.