Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
You Might Also Like
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Worst Native American name ever.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.