Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
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Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
there’s probably a fee though
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.