@BrainFumbles: I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
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@darinlovesbacon: I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
@Pork_Chop_Hair: Him: Don't get your panties in a bunch. Me: It's called a bulk pack, Todd. That's how Costco sells them.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: People are coming over tomorrow Me: We should clean today Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours? Me: We should clean tomorrow
@GrantTanaka: [dark alley] Dealer: so what you want Me: a gram [dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]