I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
You Might Also Like
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.