@BrainFumbles: I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
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@13spencer: [Having a problem with my iPhone] Me: *texting myself* Test Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
@xysist: If Kim and Kanye name their next kid North West again, we can comfortably refer to the two as One Direction.
@DaddyJew: "Daddy, how are babies made?" "Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink.."
@longwall26: Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say "Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?" then just sit there for 5 years.