@BrainFumbles: I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
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@YesThatAmy: This chick at Walgreens is totally hitting on me. What's your name? What's your address? Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?
@MandiAtRandom: Him: Will you marry me? Me: omg what did I do, why don't you want to have sex with me anymore?
@KeetPotato: [uses my last wish to be reincarnated as a bird] me: [as my dad vomits directly in my mouth] "i did not think this through"