I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
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My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I’m not average. I’m mean.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.