@Shock_Monster: I swear to holy hell, Aunt Pat, I would rather lick a midget's taint than accept your invitation to play Lucky Slots.
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@BuckyIsotope: All the toys under the tree Have now gone completely missing You’ve been hit by You’ve been struck by Reverse Santa Claus
@jjhartinger: A telemarketer called and said,"can I speak with the man of the house." I replied, "sure" and gave the phone to the cat.
@rickolantern: I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.