If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
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Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I’m being attacked 😭
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
the pigeons are already plenty salty
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.