If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
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Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option