[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
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The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
goldfish mafia
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.