When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
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Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?