I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
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Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way