@Mr_Kapowski: I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar
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@InternetHippo: doctor: your wife has gone into labour me: oh no wife (yelling from a distance): RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE
@stephenjmolloy: HR: "You've put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact." Me: "Yeah, I'd like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend."
@Philosopherbing: I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm "Time to go out and rob some people!" I said
@davidkenny100: I grew up just a stone's throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries