After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
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Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
A choir of Spring onions
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
THIS HEADLINE
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did