I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
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girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.