I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
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You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
LOL
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam