I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
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Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
This guy’s not having it 😆
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh