I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
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BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Eat…
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.