I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
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This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.