I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
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What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal