I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
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Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Nothing.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.