I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
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My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.