I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
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PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
My neck my back my allergy attack
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again