I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
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[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
being a writer on Twitter:
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.