I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
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Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
crying
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.