I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
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Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city