[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
shit, they caught us—run!!!
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.