@mojo_bones_: I take pictures of my weed because they say the camera adds 10 pounds.
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@CulturedRuffian: When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
@yoyoha: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times lets face it you're a jerk and I'm stupid
@SteveSuckington: First date: [ok, don't let her know you're a cop] Her: do you come here often? Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
@murrman5: *A group of cannibals eating a pie* This is amazing, what did you do different? "Well, I used fresh Barry's"