“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
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[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
can’t catch a break
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?