Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
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[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel