You look like you would fail a DNA test
You Might Also Like
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?