I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
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I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.