I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
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there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.