I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
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This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
*offers Batman cough drops*
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.