I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
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Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
me working on my assignments ^-^
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Sending in my taxes
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.