@jackiembouvier: I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He's gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
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@Tommytoughstuff: [A giraffe walks into a scarf shop] *The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
@Book_Krazy: [Doctors appointment] Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
@ch000ch: 9am: protein shake, oatmeal 1pm: small salad, chicken breast 5pm: grilled salmon, spinach 9pm: 4 whole "i don't give a shit anymore" pizzas
@davidkenny100: Work meeting Boss: it's come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash! Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me