I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.