I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
You Might Also Like
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.