The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
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Growing out my freckles.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye